Burn Me by Jess Whitecroft

Author:Jess Whitecroft [Whitecroft, Jess]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2018-01-26T16:00:00+00:00

9

Rocco spends two weeks in Santa Fe, soaking up the sun and listening to stories of rock bottom and the reasons why you need to keep coming back. After that he goes back to LA, but the distance between us feels as large as ever. He says he loves me and that he misses me, but his words have a reflexive quality that sets me on edge. Before he got sick again he knew his words well. He knew how to use them to make me shiver and sigh and sometimes – even though it was forbidden – spill over, phone in hand. “It scares me,” he said. “How much I want you when I know I’m not supposed to have you. When you’re out of reach like this you make me fucking ache with wanting you. No, don’t say anything – just let me listen to you breathe, and keep doing what I know you’re doing. Please, Daniel…keep going. I need this. I can hardly see straight for thinking about the way your thighs tremble when you come.”

We cheated. I know that now. Sometimes we’d get around our prescription by him asking me to read out long sections of podcast to him, so that we could pretend we were having a perfectly normal conversation, but really it was so that he could listen to the catch in my voice as I got more and more aroused.

And we slipped.

It was only once. Okay, twice if you count the parking garage incident, but it was impossible to sit there week after week and talk about our feelings without wanting to act on them. “You have to understand,” he said, one afternoon in that glass zoo box of an office, his hand in mine and his eyes on Claudia. “How flat and gray everything feels when you come off heroin. Everything is the same soiled shade of brownish-gray, even your own flesh. Especially when you look down and see what a sorry mess you made of yourself. You’re cold and sad and lumpy and you totally forget that your body was ever an instrument of pure, unmedicated pleasure.” And then squeezed my hand tighter. He didn’t look at me, but his smile was a thing of unrepentant beauty. “The first time I held Daniel naked in my arms it felt like I’d been raised from the dead. He was warm and breathing and human, and the first touch of his body reminded me that life could be beautiful again, and that there were new adventures to be had.”

Ten minutes later I still felt as though I was holding my breath. We walked out of that session very quietly, as if we somehow psychically knew what we were about to do. As we turned the corner in the corridor he held out a hand, and I took it as we walked the ten or fifteen feet to the bathroom.

We pounced on each other and fucked in a frenzy. It was a hard, panting scramble of buckles and buttons and kisses smothering cries.

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